Category Archives: Wisdom

LadyPantsDance Part II–No standing, only dancing.

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(
  Read Part One here.)

Late one night, not too long ago, I was slogging away in my office when I was struck with the inexplicable desire to dance.    Normally I would get up, stretch, eat chocolate, and sit my ass back down, because I’m serious and never frivolous.  But for some reason, today, I decided to listen.

I closed my door, put on my ear buds, played (yes) the Byrds’ Chimes of Freedom  and started dancing.  As you remember from Part One, I’m not an especially talented dancer.  But I wanted to dance, and dance I did, in my own spastic way.    I threw my hands up in the air,  jumped around, closed my eyes and whipped my hair around.   When the song was over, I lay on the ground, feeling a little cheesy, a touch crazy, and totally content and refreshed.   The space I was in felt renewed.   A new intention had sprouted…the intention to stop pretending, to live and sing and dance like no one was watching.

This much is for sure.  I am not first person to discover the power of dance.  Thousands of years before dancing was profane, it was sacred.

Across time and culture, dance has long been revered for its power to heal body, mind, and soul, strengthen the bonds of community, and to commune with spirit and nature allowing us to discover deeper aspects of who we are as human beings. Dance is also used as a form of worship, celebration, story-telling and myth-making, and to commemorate important rites of passage. We can glean some of the significance dance held in ancient tribal life, for next to hunting, it is the second most common activity shown in cave paintings. —Karen Berggren.

I did a quick Google search to see whether there were people that practiced sacred and ecstatic dancing today.   I found a website…Ecstatic Dance Seattle.   The site featured pictures of  people whirling around with their eyes closed and stories of healing and community and free-to-be-you-and me.  I started passing judgment immediately, but decided I would force myself to check it out anyway.

I showed up awkwardly early on a rainy Sunday and found a fairy-light decorated dance floor.  It was just like any other dance studio, with a springy wooden floor and mirrors and barre, but for this class there was a richly decorated altar and drums and tambourines and the lights were turned down low.   People started to arrive–older people, a young woman with two adorable little girls,  a few college-age women,  ladies in belly dancing hip scarves, couples of all ages and sexes,  a beautiful woman with cascading dreadlocks.  Women and men of all ages and sizes.

John, the facilitator, put us all in a circle and explained the rules.   You don’t have to dance with anyone else unless you want to. Don’t run over the little kids.  Have a beautiful experience.

And with that, the music started.  Slow, “earth beat” music.  People started moving.  Some swayed, alone or together, some took yoga poses or just moved on the floor.  I went to a corner and panicked.  I am an adult and I’m supposed to dance around with all these people watching me?  And I’m not even drunk or at the club?  I felt like an impostor. In no time everyone would figure out that I wasn’t really an open-hearted, free-spirited, new-age person;  I was a corporate hack in an overpriced yoga outfit who couldn’t even dance  in a dark nightclub after three long island ice teas much less  free form dance totally sober on Sunday Morning with a group of strangers!!!  I was convinced they would carry me out the door and throw me in to the icy gutter.

I lay down, closed my eyes, and decided to continue panicking  in the prone position as this seemed to be an acceptable pose to adopt.  The music surged on and little by little, my panic subsided.  Everyone seemed to be into their own dance.  No one was making fun of anyone, much less throwing them out.   I listened to the music a little longer,  realizing how beautiful it was when I didn’t judge it.   Slowly I stood up.

Still not ready to dance,  I knelt by the altar and picked a card out of a spirit animal tarot deck.  It was the otter.  A book on the altar explained that the otter symbolizes  playtime, primal feminine energy, joy, playfulness. I decided that making like an otter and being  playful and  joyful would be a lot better than leaving or spending the whole time in misery and shame.

The music had picked up a little bit and people were dancing more energetically.  Some were belly dancers or classically trained dancers, and they were doing that.  Some people were just jumping around.   Some were playing drums and tambourines.  The little girls were running back and forth giggling and occasionally tackling the lady that brought them.

I started swaying and stomping my feet.  The reverberation of the wooden floor felt fantastic on my chronically-injured achilles, so I kept jumping to the drumbeat.   A beautiful song started  playing, and a kind looking man came up to me.  We danced for a little bit, and that was fun.  He looked like he was having a great time, and after a little bit, so was I.   After a little bit, he folded his hands and bowed and thanked me before dancing away.   I did the same.

After that, I didn’t stop dancing.   I joined a group of women shimmying and twirling.  I joined a raucous conga line, which dissolved into flat out sprinting and laughing across the studio.  People danced together and separately in a million different ways,  with scarves and tambourines and big skirts, spinning, whirling, leaping, laughing, crying.   What I thought would have been embarrassingly awkward, I found  joyful and majestic.

The embarrassment and stiffness didn’t leave me, but they didn’t keep me from dancing.   Shame, awkwardness, and inability to dance, I realized, didn’t live in my body.  They lived in my mind.   My body has always known how to dance.

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As of this writing, Ecstatic Dance Seattle holds dances @ Dance Underground Studio (downstairs), 340 15th Ave East, Seattle, WA, one block north of Group Health Hospital on Capitol Hill, between East Thomas Street and East Harrison Street 98112.  Every SUNDAY morning from 10:30 am to 12:30 pm.  Every WEDNESDAY evening from 7:30 pm to 9:30 pm & The Final FRIDAY evening of every month from 8:30 pm to 11:00 pm.  I’ll be going back & hope you will too.

December Meaningful Conversation Challenge

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Thomas Carlye once said   “Every man is my superior in that I may learn from him.”   Many spiritual traditions teach that all lives have equal value, or that all are children of God, or have a divine spark or divine self within.   I think we all buy into that at some level.  Why, then, don’t we act like it?

I’ve been frustrated lately by seeing this in myself and others around me.  We never exchange more than pleasantries with our bosses.    We treat children like they’re either a nuisance or an accessory and not much else, and assume old people are irrelevant and senile, tourists are clueless, and teenagers are self-important airheads.   We treat terminally ill people like they’re made of glass.

If you’re an introvert, it’s especially easy to stay in a little bubble, assuming that others don’t want to hear from you or you don’t have anything to say that would interest them.   But all we accomplish by staying in little bubbles is to make our lives smaller, to learn less and to offer less of our awesome to the world.

In December, I’m challenging myself to have a meaningful conversation with someone I normally wouldn’t have a meaningful conversation with, without awkwardness, stereotypes, or judgment.   My only objective will be to learn something.

Interested in joining the December Conversation Challenge?  Have a real conversation with someone new; could be:

  • A very old person
  • A very young person
  • Someone much senior to you or someone you admire, such as a boss or a celebrity.
  • A person marginalized or judged by society–a homeless person, a person convicted of a crime, or a person affected by addiction.
  • A person whose choices or values you disagree with or are uncomfortable with.
  • A person you don’t like
  • A random stranger on the bus
  • A neighbor you’ve exchanged nothing more than pleasantries with for years.
  • A terminally ill person
  • A person you’ve judged (as closed-minded, stupid, an ass) recently.
  • A person from a different country or culture.

Write about your conversation challenge experiment by December 302h & email me your story or link to your blog story at ladypantsdance (at) gmail (dot) com.

(Photo Source)

The Power of Asking Well

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Ask and you shall receive.   Uncontrovertibly true, but also hard.   Why?  Because as children, we’re taught that asking is wrong.  Don’t be greedy.  Be self-sufficient. Good girls don’t want things.  Real men don’t need help.  Don’t inconvenience people.  We don’t take charity in this family.  It’s a dog-eat-dog world.   You don’t want to owe anyone anything.  If you ask for things, people to think you’re weak or needy.   Did you grow up with any of these beliefs?  (I did.)  Do you still believe these things?  (I do, sometimes.)

The first problem with these beliefs is that they keep you from asking for what you want and need.   That’s bad because  if you don’t ask, you don’t get.   

The second problem with these beliefs is that when you believe that you are unworthy or wrong or out of line in asking for something,  you tend to make a sorry, ineffective mess of that request.  You grovel, apologize,  avoid eye contact,  or don’t ask for things directly.

The root of all beliefs about asking is the fear that we’re asking for something that we don’t deserve, or that we shouldn’t have.   I’m not going to tell you you deserve everything in the world because nobody does.   We don’t want to go around asking old ladies to give up their subway seat for you, or asking your parents to bail you out of gambling debt for the fifth time this month.   But these are not the kinds of requests we’re talking about.   It’s everything else;  a raise, a date, a small kindness, a military discount, an interview.  If you can look someone in the eye and ask for what you need with kindness, compassion, and  honestly,  and without  apologizing, then you don’t need to worry that your request is out of line,  or wrong, or an abuse of trust or relationship.    All you have to worry about is mustering up the courage to ask,  and asking well.

When you ask well—honestly, directly, kindly–two things will happen.   First, you’ll start trusting yourself when it comes to asking for things.    You’ll trust that those things you can ask for well are totally yours to ask for.  Second, people are a lot more likely to grant a direct, kind, unapologetic request than a babbling,  rambling, sorry one.   A win on both fronts!

Homework: 

This week, practice asking.  Practice asking well.   Ask the thrift store clerk for a discount because a button’s missing.   Ask someone you admire to mentor you.  Ask your spouse to make dinner tonight.   Ask your friends to donate for an upcoming charity race.    The first step is to practice having the courage to ask.   The second step is to practice asking well:

  • Look the person in the eye.
  • Smile.
  • Ask kindly
  • Ask  simply and directly.  Do not make the person read between the lines or guess what you mean.
  • Do not apologize.
  • Do not give the person an out  (e.g.,  I totally understand if you say no, but….)
  • Do not give excuses, stories, or white lies to elicit sympathy.   Trust me, this doesn’t work in your favor.
EXAMPLES: 

WRONG: (fidgeting and avoiding eye contact)  Sir,  excuse me, I’m sorry, I was thinking, maybe,  if possible,  I could, please,  next week, take a personal day , because (white lie) I have doctor’s appointments and to see my 90-year old grandma,  but if you can’t I totally understand, its ok.

RIGHT: (Eye contact).  I would like to take a vacation day on Wednesday, please.

WRONG:  I come home from a long day’s work and you’re sitting there picking your toes and reading a magazine  and expect me to serve you  dinner on a silver platter.   You haven’t made dinner in three days.  What the hell is wrong with you, you lazy turd?

RIGHT:  I would like you to cook dinner  tonight,  please.

Go forth and ask!   And then share what you asked for & how it went….